Skinny Love
by FlUoReScEnTaDoLeSceNt23
Summary: "I've done everything wrong I could possibly do, but I would spend forever proving to you that I'm a better man." After an affair, Edward is left to pick up the pieces. EXB/Major Angst/Mature.
1. Chapter 1: Burning for Change

**Chapter 1- Burning for Change**

 **This story doesn't have a beta and is filled with angst. Fair warning :p.**

" _ **Come on skinny love just last the year**_

 _ **Pour a little salt we we never here**_

 _ **My, my, my, my, my, my, my, my**_

 _ **Staring at the sink of blood and crushed veneer."**_

 _ **-Bon Iver-**_

Everything ends and time moves on. At least, that's what I keep telling myself. After everything in my world has gone to shit, I need some sort of mantra to keep me moving forward. To keep me from putting an end to it all. She's gone and I'm lost. So incredibly lost. I don't know which way is up anymore. I don't know where to go from here. I did this to myself and I know I deserve every second of this misery, but I can't help but hope for something better. I can't help but yearn for a future with her.

She was my everything for the last decade of my life. And now, she's gone completely. I would give anything to go back and change things. I'd sell my soul right now if it meant I could retract all of my deplorable actions. However, I know there's fucking nothing. I don't think I can possibly hate myself more than I do right now. Bella's gone and I'm nothing.

I shouldn't have fucked Kate. Looking back, I don't know why the fuck I did it. Why the fuck did I cheat on my wife for six months? I was depressed, I was feeling lost as I neared the end of my residency, and I was lonely. Bella didn't want me around, she was too wrapped up in finishing her first book, and Kate was… well Kate was there. And she wanted me. One night, she was sucking my cock when I was drunk and brooding about my fears, and the next thing I knew we were fucking each other every chance we got. I fucked her in the on-call room, I fucked her in her apartment, I fucked her in the backseat of my Volvo. I never brought her home though. I couldn't do that to Bella. _Fuck you, Cullen. You could cheat on her but cheating on her in your bed was too low for you? Stop trying to cut yourself some slack._

I begged for her to stay. I begged on my knees, crying for her to give me another chance, but Bella isn't weak. She's never been weak. She left without a single look back. While she was strong enough to leave, I noticed the look in her eyes. I noticed how fucking broken she was. After she walked in on Kate and I fucking on the couch in Kate's living room, see cried and ran before I promptly threw up. I knew the moment I saw her there was no fixing this. There was no chance for us. That didn't stop me from begging. That didn't stop me from calling her constantly and showing up at her work. I was acting like a fucking psycho, but love does strange things to a person. I was a bastard. But I was a bastard who loved her.

 _Where will I go from here?_ Tomorrow our divorce will be official. Tomorrow will be the first time I've seen her in three months. The absence has only caused me to burn for her more. My efforts to win her back stopped a month after she left, because I knew my efforts were counterproductive. I thought if I just gave her time, she'd come around. She'd remember how devoted I was to her for all these years. I fucked up, but before I fucked up I loved her more than any man has ever loved a woman. She must remember that. She _has_ to. She was my best friend.

I dread tomorrow, but the fact that I'll see her beautiful face softens the blow. Maybe I'll be able to convince her to stay. Maybe if I beg one more time. God, I don't know. I have to do _something._ I can't let her walk away. I've done everything wrong I could possibly do, but I love her more than anything, and that must count for something. It has to…

Tomorrow will be the start of something new. I can feel it. Whether it's a good or bad something, I don't know, but after months of being dead inside, I burn for something new.


	2. Chapter 2: An Altered Future

**Chapter 2- An Altered Future**

" _ **I tell my love to wreck it all**_

 _ **Cut out all the ropes and let me fall**_

 _ **My, my, my, my, my, my, my, my**_

 _ **Right in the moment this order's tall."**_

 _ **-Bon Iver-**_

My love for her will never diminish. That much is clear. Now that she's in front of me in the flesh, and not some figment of my imagination, I hunger for her even more than I used to. She obviously wants nothing to do with me. It's written all over her face. She won't even look at me. I move to sit next to my lawyer, and when I do, I see something that stops me in my tracks.

Bella's naked left hand is resting on top of a small bump. She's pregnant. She never told me. I turn to leave, because I know I'm about to lose it. I briskly walk down the hallway to the public restroom and lock myself in the handicap stall. I place my head on the door and feel the tears as they slowly move down my cheeks. Bella's pregnant. My entire future is now ruined. Not because I don't want a child, hell, as a pediatric oncologist I love kids, but I won't be having this child _with_ her. She hasn't contacted me thus far, it's obvious she doesn't want me in her life. In a few short months, I've managed to ruin my entire future. I want a baby, I want a family, and most of all, I just want _her._ Now I'll have nothing.

I take a moment to gain control of myself, before unlocking the restroom door and making my way back to the conference room. God, I wish I could just hold her. I wish I could experience finding out about a pregnancy like most men do. But I suppose most men aren't in my shitty situation. Most men wouldn't have cheated on a woman that they loved. Just thinking about the last time I saw her makes me ill and practically brings me to my knees. Even now, three months later, I can't believe I did that to her. And she must've been pregnant at the time.

" _Harder, Edward. Please!"_

 _I move with a single purpose, to fuck the shit out of her and ignore everything else. In her body, I forget. I forget about my problems, I forget about my stress, and I forget about my responsibilites. I'm about to lose myself in her and pretend that I'm a different person. Bella sees me for the man I am, and her friend sees me for everything I'm not._

 _It doesn't take long for me to come, and when I do and the euphoria wears out, I've realized what I've done. I hear Kate talking underneath me, but, like usual, I barely listen to what she's saying. It's not until I hear a sob coming from across the room that I open my eyes._

 _When I see her wide, watery brown eyes, my heart stops. I pull out and quickly stand up, pulling my pants up and tucking my dick inside. It's too late to make up excuses, it's too late to do anything, all I can do is look at her and wish I could curl up and die._

" _Why?" It's all she says. I think it's all she_ can _say._

" _Bella, I-"_

" _Don't. It won't make it better," she says wiping away a tear. She looks at Kate, who's now sitting up, half naked on the couch. "How could you, Kate?"_

" _Bella…. I love him."_

 _A bitter laugh escapes my wife's lips. "Well, you two deserve each other." She slips off her wedding ring and throws it at me. I cringe as it clinks against the hardwood floors. I move to follow her, although I know there's no way to explain this. There's no way to hide this anymore. "Don't follow me, Edward," she says, her voice morose._

 _I reach out and trail my fingers along the curve of her arm before she walks away. What the fuck have I done?_

"It's good of you to join us, Mr. Cullen." Bella's lawyer's voice brings me back to reality. I'm in the conference room and they're staring at me. Well, everyone except my wife. She's gazing at her belly and looks as if she's eager to get this over with. She's eager to have me out of her life for good.

I take a seat, unable to take my eyes off of her. "Bella, why didn't you tell me?" I quietly ask.

Her eyes shoot up to meet mine before she gains control of herself and quickly looks away. Although her gaze was fleeting, I still managed to see the pain that wavers in her eyes. She can't hide from me.

Looking toward the door, she responds, "Just because you managed to get me pregnant, doesn't mean you're fit to be a father."

My jaw tenses and I can barely look at her. She _knows_ me. Yes, I fucked up, but I used to be a good man. I used to be everything to her, and she was everything to me. Things changed, I made a horrible mistake, but I'm not a bad person. Am I? Have I truly become something terrible? Something she can't stand to look at? Something she can't fathom having her baby near?

"God, Bella… please. Please don't do what I think you're going to do. Baby, I don't want to get a divorce, I don't want to separate from you. Please, please, please just let me try to make things right again. I want to make this work so badly."

She's silent for several heartbeats, before she quietly responds, "I can't. Not after what happened. Not after what you've done."

"Bella, we have so much to lose. Please, just reconsider. I want you. I want a family. I'd take everything back if I could."

"But you can't," she says with a shaky breath. "You fucked my best friend. She was practically my family. After my parents died her and her sister were all I had left. Now, I have absolutely nothing. Thanks to you."

And I thought I couldn't feel any lower. I thought nothing would make me hate myself more. This does. Kate was like her sister. I did more than ruin our marriage, I ruined the only family she truly had left. Tears fill my eyes and spill over as I look at her, broken before me.

"Bella," I say, reaching my hand across the table for her to take, "You have me. I'm willing to do anything to fix this. I love-"

"Don't say it," she stops me, now looking me dead in the eye. "Don't you dare say that to me." She gasps. "You can't fix this. Everything we had is over. I can't look at you… I can't look at you without thinking about what you did. It makes me feel sick. If you _ever_ loved me, you would let me go."

"I don't want to let you go," I murmur.

"Just this once, think about someone other than yourself."

Her words are a slap to the face. _Just this once._ What is she talking about? My world revolved around her for years. Since the moment I saw her, she became the pinnacle of my existence and now she thinks I've always been selfish. Has she forgotten who I really am? Or at least, has she forgotten about the man I once was before all of this shit happened. Before I messed everything up.

"You don't want me to know my own child?"

"I want him to have someone to look up to. I can't trust you."

 _Him. I'm having a son._ This wasn't the way I imagined ever finding out. I imagined her telling me in a more… traditional way, I suppose. Maybe she'd surprise me with a pregnancy stick and we'd cry, overwhelmed with the fact that we're months away from being parents. Or maybe she'd play a game with me and would have me guess, Bella always loved doing things like this… But _this._ Finding out moments before we finalize our divorce. God, this fucking guts me. I know I deserve it. I know if I wasn't such a piece of shit this wouldn't be happening. But I can't help but wish the world would just swallow me fucking whole. I don't know how I'll be able to live with myself after this.

"Bella… he's my son…" I feel like begging. I moments away from getting up, crossing the room, and kneeling beside her, begging her to change her mind. If she's not going to take me back, I pray to God that she'll at least allow me to see my child. I can't lose them both.

"I can't. I'm sorry."

I wipe a few tears away and try not to fall apart in front of her. If she wants me to go, I guess it's all I can do. I've already hurt her enough. But, I want to fight for my son. I want to fight for her. I want to kill to be able to go back in time and change everything. I want a different life.

"Are you ready to precede?" her lawyer questions.

She nods, and I sink in my seat. Now I see what the change is. I'll be a father and I won't be in my son's life. I deserve this. I welcome the pain. Although, I wish the pain I'm feeling could assuage Bella's. However, I know we'll both be hurting for a long time.


	3. Chapter 3: Fantasies of a Different Life

**Chapter 3- Fantasies of a Different Life**

" _ **I told you to be patient**_

 _ **I told you to be fine**_

 _ **I told you to be balanced**_

 _ **I told you to be kind**_

 _ **In the morning I'll be with you**_

 _ **But it will be a different kind**_

' _ **Cause I'll be holding all the tickets**_

 _ **And you'll be owning all the fines."**_

 _ **-Bon Iver-**_

I take the next few days off from work. I'm not sure if I could go in like this. I certainly don't want to talk to anyone. I don't want anyone to see me. I feel so raw… so used… so unlike myself. I don't recognize the man I am anymore. This certainly wasn't what I imagined for my life. A future without Bella, it feels like a future without hope. I've stayed in bed all morning, not wanting to face the day. Each day that passes makes everything feel so real. I've spent months without her after she discovered Kate and I, but this feels different. I feel like I'm missing a part of myself. She's like a phantom limb. I can feel her presence but I'm truly alone.

Before we parted, I tried to kiss her. I was such a fucking fool. I just wanted to feel her one last time. I wanted to erase Kate from my lips. Kate was the last woman I kissed but all I wanted was to taste my wife, was to remember her lips on mine, so I'd be able to carry that sensation with me. She pushed me away. I can't blame her. I wish I could be rid of me, too.

" _Do you have a picture of him?"_

 _Bella looks at me for a moment. Her eyes filled with sadness and goodbye. She goes through her purse and after a moment, she produces a sonogram picture. With a shaky hand, I take it, and trace the first image of my son with my fingers. He barely looks like anything, but he's mine. I watch a drop of water hit the photograph, and it takes me a moment to realize that I'm crying._

" _Bella, please-"_

" _I'm moving. I thought you should know. That's why I liquidated all of my share of our assets."_

 _She's moving? She hasn't any family anywhere, where could she move too?_

" _I moving to Washington to be closer to Alice," she says, answering my unspoken question. "Alice is really the only friend I have left and she wanted to help me with the baby."_

" _You're leaving Chicago?" I ask in disbelief._

" _I can't stay here. There are too many memories. I need to go, Edward."_

 _She'll be completely out of my reach. Her and our son. I'll never get to see him if he moves. My career is here in the city. "Bella… please don't do this. I want to be part of his life. I want to see him." I want to see you._

 _She looks toward the door and and her once bright eyes fill with tears. "I can't even look at you. Do you really want to continue to hurt me? Please, just let me go. Let me move on."_

" _This is what you want? You want to flee to Washington state?"_

" _I have no ties here."_

 _Her words hurt more than she could ever imagine. However, I doubt they come close to injuring me like I injured her. I hurt the one person I loved._

You always hurt the ones you love. One way, or another. I let her down. I destroyed her. I don't deserve anything. I lay in bed and stare at the ceiling, imagining what my life would be like right now if I had made different choices. I'd probably be in this bed with my wife, discussing plans for our new life as parents. We'd probably be talking about cribs and baby clothes, and how we would tell our friends and family. I would've been happy- _we_ would have been happy-and I would feel whole.

Apparently life isn't that simple. I wasn't satisfied with what I had, and now I have nothing. Now I dream of a life I took for granted. Isn't it strange? Now that she's gone she's all I see. I sit up and wipe the sleep from my face. I get out of bed, although I don't see the point. Besides work, what do I have to look forward to? An empty day? An empty life? I trudge into my kitchen with my head down, not wanting to look at all the photographs I haven't had the heart to take down. If I took down my wedding photos, I'd feel as though I were really alone. I'm not ready to accept this. Not yet. I brew a pot of coffee and move toward my kitchen table, where I've set the sonogram of my son in the center.

I pick it up and hold it close. He might be the only part of Bella I'll ever have. I love him already. Despite Bella's feelings, this life was created from our love. I was a bastard, I fucked up, but I loved her, truly loved her, but disliked her at the same time. I was lost and I felt like she wasn't present. Didn't care about my feelings. When she wasn't there, Kate was, and it was all too easy. It's no excuse, but it's all I have. The baby is ours. It's a beautiful thing that came from my time with Bella. _I love you, little guy. I'd give anything to be with you._ Setting the sonogram down, I put my head in my hands.


	4. Chapter 4: Time Moves Forward

**Chapter 4- Time Moves Forward but I Remain the Same**

" _ **Come on skinny love what happened here**_

 _ **Suckle on the hope it lite brassiere**_

 _ **My, my, my, my, my, my, my, my**_

 _ **Sullen load is full, so slow on the split."**_

 _ **-Bon Iver-**_

A month has passed and nothing in my life has changed. I miss my wife. I miss my old life. And I miss the life growing inside of her. I wonder how much longer I'll last. Everything just seems so… pointless. Work is the only thing that keeps me going, and while friends have reached out to me, all I've wanted was peace and quiet. I just want to deal with this alone.

Kate had tried to contact me. We had a falling out after Bella saw us together. I once thought I could love a woman like Kate, but I never loved her, I just loved the way she was making me feel. She was feeding into my every desire, telling me everything I needed to hear at the time. I wonder if she knew it. I wonder if she could sense how weak and fucking desperate I was. She doesn't seem like a malevolent person, but she was Bella's friend, not mine. After vomiting on her floor and pulling myself together-somewhat-I broke things off with her. I needed to fix things with my wife and as soon as my life had been threatened with Bella, it's like the veil was pulled away. Any feelings I had toward Kate suddenly were revealed to be nothing. I hadn't loved her. Hell, I barely cared about her. As callous as it sounds, she was convenient. She gave me what I wanted, but our relationship was shallow-meaningless. I threw my relationship with my wife away for a woman I didn't care about.

" _But, I thought we had something. We love each other, Edward."_

" _I don't love you," I say with conviction. I need to go after my wife, I don't have time for this._

" _But you said-"_

" _Kate, I've been so lost. Don't make this to be something it wasn't."_

" _Why did we do this if I didn't mean anything to you? Why would you risk so much if you don't love me?"_

" _This was a mistake."_

" _Edward… we've been together for_ months _, I've never been happier. Bella knows now. Everything can be all right for us now."_

" _I'm in love with my wife, Kate. I can't lose her."_

 _She snorts in disbelief. "You've been fucking me and now you're worried about her?"_

" _I'm sorry," I say lamely. "But I need to go find her."_

" _Go, but when she tosses you to the curb for what you've done-which she will-I know you'll be coming back to me."_

" _I won't," I say with certainty. "I can't."_

 _A tear runs down her cheek before she gives me a mirthless smile and turns away. "Go then."_

I don't know what she wants from me now, but I know I want nothing from her. I've caused enough hurt. I just need to be alone, for everyone's sake. With each day that goes by, all I think about is my son. I daydream about what she must be doing. She's probably going to doctor's appointments and decorating a nursery. I wonder if she's still as broken as she was the last time I saw her. I hope not. I hope she's able to find some bit of happiness. I hope my actions haven't completely destroyed her.

I wonder what she'll name our son. Maybe she'll name him after her father, because she's always talked about wanting to do that. If only I knew when we were talking about baby names in the past, that she'd end up choosing one on her own. What I wouldn't give to be able to take care of her right now. I always planned on treating her like a princess when she was pregnant with our child. Now, she's doing it alone. And I'm here in Chicago, completely and utterly useless. I hope she'll get in contact with me so I can be there for my son's birth. Now that Bella's out of my life, I'm certain this will be the only child I ever have. I'm thirty and I can't see myself ever getting married again. I always thought I'd get married just once, and now that Bella is gone, I can't imagine finding a woman who captured my heart like she did. In fact, I know I won't. Her and our son consume my whole heart, and I know there's no room for anyone else. I can deal with being alone. Maybe I'm no good for anyone. If I can't be good for Bella, who can I be good for?

 **A/N: I think FF is acting weird, because I can't respond to any reviews. I'd just like to say a big 'thank you' to anyone who's reading this story! It's always nerve wrecking to post something for the very first time. I'm seriously thankful to anyone who's reading it. I've had this story on my mind for a while and I thought no one would really like or care about it, but I'm happy to see that some people do. So, thank you!**


	5. Chapter 5: Due Dates and Daydreams

**Chapter 5- Due Date and Daydreams**

" _ **I told you to be patient**_

 _ **I told you to be fine**_

 _ **I told you to be balanced**_

 _ **I told you to be kind**_

 _ **Now all your love is wasted?**_

 _ **Then who the hell was I?**_

 _ **Now I'm breaking at the bridges**_

 _ **And at the end of all your lines."**_

 _ **-Bon Iver-**_

Time inches forward, but not quickly enough. Months have passed, and I know Bella's due any day now. She hasn't contacted me like I hoped she would. I know it was probably just wishful thinking. Why on Earth would she want me there on the happiest day of her life? Last time I saw her, she couldn't even look me in the eye. Just thinking of her face during that last time tears me to pieces. It will be forever burned into my mind. Forever with me.

My overactive imagination runs wild. I imagine myself at the hospital with her, talking her through the birth and allowing her to squeeze on my hand until I can't feel it. I imagine holding my baby for the very first time. I imagine him looking up at me, his large eyes filled with wonder. I want to see him come into this world. I want to see the expression on his little face as he's introduced to everything at once. It's going to kill me to remain here, a plane ride away, knowing that he's being introduced to the world without me.

Maybe Bella's right. I'm not his father. He's mine, but I don't deserve him or his mother. There's no retribution to pay, nothing that I can change to be able to hold him in my arms. I stare off into space in the empty break room, alone with my daydreams. I can close my eyes and pretend, but unfortunately, reality always has a way of coming back to me.

"Cullen, we're ready for you."

I place my coffee down and run my hands vigorously over my face. I've been up for thirty-six hours and running on coffee and five-hour-energy. I give the nurse a nod and pull out my phone, trying to see if Emmett has texted me. While Bella removed me from her Facebook, she's still friends with Emmett. He's a friend to both of us, has been for years, and while he doesn't exactly like me the way he once did, he's agreed to keep some tabs on Bella for me. Just to give me news of my son. If my math is correct, she should be due soon and I want to know when my son's born. Even if I'm stuck here so incredibly far away.

 _It looks like she's at the hospital with her friend._

I stare at this text for a long time. I could be a father any minute now. Tears prick my eyes at the thought. I'm so happy, yet, I'm so incredibly depressed. More so than usual. I'm not there. I won't get to meet him. Thank God for her friend. She doesn't have her parents, she doesn't have her childhood friend Kate and her family, and she doesn't have me. Thank God she has someone. I couldn't imagine her doing this all alone. _God, I wish I could just hold her. I wish I could be there to tell her that everything will be all right._

 **Thanks. Please keep me updated.**

I slip my phone back into my pocket and head out of the break room. It's just past one o'clock in the afternoon and any moment he'll be born. Hopefully, Emmett will be able to send me a photo. I have to see him. I want to see his little face more than anything. I haven't seen him, but I love him already. I love him so much it hurts. I hope he looks like Bella. I hope he has her eyes and her beautiful smile. I hope he'll look like _us_. Even though our relationship ended horrifically, something beautiful came from it. I hope she sees that. It feels like all I can do now is hope. That's probably because hope seems to be all that I have left.

 **A/N: Thanks to everyone reading and to the people who recommended my story. Your support means the world to me!**


	6. Chapter 6: Charlie Anthony Swan

**Chapter 6- Charlie Anthony Swan**

" _ **Who will love you?**_

 _ **Who will fight?**_

 _ **Who will fall far behind?"**_

 _ **-Bon Iver-**_

I received a text from Emmett as soon as I sit down to have dinner. Like usual, I have my television turned on to some random sitcom so I don't feel as though I'm truly alone. This has become a habit since Bella left. I get carry-out and a case of beer and sit by myself at the dinner table, watching television as a means of distracting myself. When I was married, I used to love the time I spent with Bella at this dining room table. It was the time we could open up about our days and vent if we needed to. Now, everything is so different. As sad as it is, I barely recognize my own life.

 **Here's a photo from Facebook. Charlie Anthony Swan.**

With shaky fingers, I open the attachment. Tears prick my eyes as soon as I see his face. He's so beautiful and so small. Smaller than I imagined. His eyes are closed in the picture, and I wonder if they're green like mine or brown like Bella's. I hope he has her eyes. I hope he looks just like his mother. I trace his features with my finger, wishing I was there to see him in real life. I wipe away a few tears and stare at the picture as if I was hoping for it to animate in front of my eyes.

I can't believe I'm a father. I can't believe a part of Bella and I exist in this world. Although I've never met Charlie, I love him. I can only imagine what Bella must be feeling at this moment, as she holds our son in her arms. I wonder if she's thinking of me. I wonder if she wishes that I was there. _Probably not. I'm sure she's happy to be rid of me._ I wonder what my son would think of me when he's old enough to have an opinion. When he's old enough to know what I did. I hope he never finds out. Although, I do hope that if I never get the chance to meet him, Bella will tell him about me. I hope she'll tell him the good things, that is, if she even remembers them after everything that I did.

I save the picture to my phone and make it my background. I stare at the picture for a long time, before returning my gaze to my untouched meal. I don't have an appetite anymore. All I can think about is my son, and the fact that I'm not there to meet him. I already regret every one of my horrible choices and never thought I could hate myself more. I do now.

I could be with her right now. I could be having a family. But instead, I'm in my house all alone wishing things could be different. I quickly thank Emmett, begging him to send me more pictures as they come. I wonder if Bella will ever reach out to me about Charlie? I wonder if she'll even send me a picture of him, or if Emmett will be my only connection to my son. That thought makes me sad. If Bella doesn't reach out, I'll have no hope of ever seeing him. Unless I find out where she lives and just show up, demanding to see him. I know I have rights, but I couldn't do that to her. As much as I want to meet Charlie, I don't want to harm her any more. If she needs time, I'll give it to her, regardless of how much it hurts. I hate being without her, but it's not about me anymore. It's been about me for too long.

I don't know what my future holds. Everyday feels like an out of body experience because I honestly can't believe this is actually my life. All I have is hope. I want to meet Charlie one day. I want him to know that I love him. That I would be there everyday if I could. My affair has cost me so much. Not only has it ruined my past and present, it's also ruined my future. I missed my son's birth because of Kate. No… I can't blame her. Kate participated, but _I_ was the one who ruined my life. I made the choices and I'll have to live the mistakes.

I unlock my phone and look at my son's picture. "I love you, Charlie," I say to my empty living room.


	7. Chapter 7: Decisions

" _ **Someway, baby, it's part of me, apart from me**_

 _ **You're laying waste to Halloween**_

 _ **You fucked it friend, it's on its head, it struck the street**_

 _ **You're in Milwaukee, off your feet."**_

 _ **-Bon Iver-**_

 _I feel like I can never get enough of her. Just feeling her against me like this sends a shiver down my spine. She grabs my ass and urges me to fuck her like I haven't done in months. I can't remember the last time she seemed so uninhibited, so carefree, so gorgeous. As she moans beneath me, she looks_ happy _and my heart can't help but swell with pride as I realize I'm what's causing her to feel this way._

" _I love you," I murmur against her lips as we come together._

 _I roll off of her and pull her body against mine. She's so soft, so perfect. My Bella. As the euphoria dissipates, reality begins to sink in. Fear settles in my stomach as I think of what the future has in store for us. If she ever found out… God, I don't even want to think about it. I hate myself so much already, I couldn't imagine how I would feel if she knew._

 _I want to protect her from the truth. I want to protect her from_ me _, one of the people who's actively hurting her. I didn't feel guilty at first, because I had believed that she didn't care, but now… now that she's back to her normal self, now that our lives our back on track, I want the world to swallow me whole. What the fuck am I going to do now? Maybe I could get us as far away from Chicago as possible. I could take her away and she could never find out…_

" _What's wrong?" she asks, raising her head from my chest to get a better look at me._

" _What do you mean?"_

" _You feel tense," she comments as she reaches up to run a hand through my hair._

 _I sigh, grabbing her hand and bringing her palm to my mouth to kiss. "I'm fine, Bella. Work has just been stressing me out."_

" _Well, after you finish your residency maybe we can go somewhere? A little vacation to celebrate."_

" _Are you sure that you can manage that?" Since she got a job as a visiting professor at a community college nearby, that's all she cares about. I understand, teaching English has always been a dream of hers, but I wish she made some time for something else. "You're always so busy, sweetheart."_

" _Well, the semester will be over soon…" she trails off, blushing. "I just want to spend some time with you. Some_ alone _time. I feel like we haven't gotten enough of that lately."_

 _A wistful smile tugs on my lips as she speaks. What the fuck have I done? "I'd go anywhere with you," I say, the pit in my stomach growing larger._

 _She smiles at me, satisfied with my answer. "I love you," she says with a yawn._

" _I love you, too," I whisper as I watch her fall asleep on my stomach._

I startle awake, my eyes darting around the dark room and finding that I'm alone. Tears prick my eyes and my heart beats erratically in my chest as I remember my dream. _It all felt so fucking real._ I remember that night with her, mere days before she found out the truth. I had been so happy with her. I never wanted to leave that bed, because I knew leaving that bed would mean facing reality. Facing what I'd done. I swallow the lump in my throat and sit up in bed, rubbing the sleep from my eyes before sliding off the mattress to grab a glass of water. I can't go back to sleep right now. Not after a dream like that.

I manage to make it to my kitchen, despite being half asleep and completely disorientated. I grab a bottle of water from the fridge and walk into my living room, where I collapse on the couch. Sitting in the dark, I wonder why I've stayed here. This is the home I shared with Bella, and now that she's gone it just feels empty, and yet, I can't bring myself to leave. I hold onto this house as though it's the last piece of her I have left. We bought this home together, hoping to one day have a family and the whole white-picket fence, American dream. I shake my head at the thought and a bitter laugh escapes my throat. If only I knew then how much of a fuck up I'd turn out to be.

My gaze scans the room, where pictures of her and I still hang from my walls. Another thing I felt uncomfortable about taking down. Sometimes when I look at these pictures, I can pretend. I can pretend I'm still married. I can pretend I'm still the man I once thought I was. The type of man who wouldn't have hurt someone he loved. The type of man who was someone you could count on for anything. Now, I don't know who I am, and I think that's what scares me the most. I've spent the last decade of my life with Bella, practically formed part of my identity around her, and now that she's gone, I begin to question everything about myself.

Rising to my feet, I cross the room and look at the one picture that hurts the most. We're so young and so happy. It was taken a few years ago, but it feels like a lifetime has passed since then. She's dressed in white, her veil pulled back away from her face, as she stares up at me like I'm the only person in the world, and I look down at her, eyes filled with love and contentment. Maybe I should take this one down. It feels so wrong to look at it now, almost sacrilegious in a way. Although I try, I can't pull my gaze away. She's always been so captivating. I miss her smiling face. I miss the way she used to look at me. I miss the way she used to be my best friend.

I return to bed, and as I lay staring at my ceiling in the dark, I think of my son and how he must need me. Well, maybe that's wishful thinking. Maybe he doesn't need me. But I need him. I want to be in his life more than anything. I've given Bella her space, but I can't do this for the rest of my life. I can't compromise my relationship with Charlie. I know she hates me, but I've got to try. I've done everything wrong I could possibly do, I've fucked up in every way possible, but I still love her and I still want her. She was my best friend, she _is_ the love of my life, and now she's the mother of my child. I can't throw in the towel and give up on myself. I know we're broken-beyond broken, maybe we're shattered to the point where none of the pieces make sense together anymore-but I still have a reason to try. I may have ruined my relationship with Bella for the rest of our lives, but I want a relationship with my son. Even if he grows to loathe me for what I've done.


	8. Chapter 8: Goodbye to an Old Life

**Chapter 8- Goodbye to an Old Life**

" _ **And at once I knew I was not magnificent**_

 _ **Strayed above the highway aisle**_

 _ **Jagged vacance, thick with ice**_

 _ **And I could see for miles, miles, miles."**_

 _ **-Bon Iver-**_

I turn around to take one final look at the home that once had so much promise. I've spent the past few weeks trying to let go, but I still feel tethered to this place because it holds so many wonderful memories for me… as well as many bad ones. However, I'm tired of the restless nights. I'm tired of never being able to sleep because I'm imagining Bella at my side. Everywhere I look, I'm faced with a memory. Every inch of this house reminds me of Bella and the time I shared with her. I feel guilty even thinking about her. What right do I have to mop? I did this to my fucking self and now I want to drag my feet and play the victim. It's pathetic.

Sometimes, I've thought about how easy it would be to just end it all. I've messed up my life beyond repair and I can barely recognize the man I see in the mirror every morning. That is, when I actually have the courage to view my reflection. I can barely my eye contact with myself without feeling fucking nauseous. Without thinking, " _What have you done, you piece of shit?"_. Moving out of this home will be freeing, regardless of how frightened I am to let it go.

I need to move forward. I can't live in the past and rut in my mistakes. That won't make my life better. Sometimes I think nothing ever will. Regardless of what happens for here on out, I'll never be the man I once was. At most, I'll be a shell of him. _A shell of a fucking loser._ I'll never be happy like I was before and there's no way I can turn back time and change all of the things that I've done. I want to become a better man, but the only thing I truly want is out of my reach. Even if I change, I'll never get Bella back. She'll never love me again. Not the way she used to. I'm sure she'll never be the same either. My mistake has scared us both. We'll never be the people we were before.

" _I know I keep on asking, but a man's got to try."_

 _I see Bella smile before she rolls her eyes at me. "Edward, like I said before, I don't know if I'm ready for anything right now. I mean I just transferred here and I barely have my classes under control…" She trails off, cringing at her half-assed excuse._

 _I don't get it, she seems so into me one second and the next she's worrying about everything and coming up with countless reasons why we shouldn't be together. If only she'd give me a chance, she'd see how wrong she is about me. I can be good for her._

" _Bella, I'm not asking you to spend the rest of your life with me, I'm just asking you on one date," I respond, trying to sound persuasive._

" _One? Only one?" Bella challenges as she rests her pile of textbooks on the hood of her beat up truck._

" _Just agree to go out with me once, and if things don't go well between us, I promise to leave you alone."_

 _She gives me an once over and sighs, resting her back against her car door. "I guess they are probably a ton of girls that would be dying for this opportunity," she teases, before finally telling me what I've longed to hear. "One date."_

 _I smile so hard, my cheeks hurt. "You won't regret it, Bella. I swear."_

I shake the memory away. Tears prick my eyes and I grip my last piece of luggage as I glance around my bare living room. Gone are the photographs of Bella and I, gone are any remnants of the memories we once had here together, and gone is any warmth that was once felt in this house. I swallow the lump in my throat and turn around, closing the door behind me.

I keep my eyes trained on the ground in front of me as I walk to my car. I don't know if I have the courage to turn and give the exterior of my home a final goodbye. I remember how fucking optimistic I was when I bought this place. I purchased it as a surprise wedding gift to Bella and never in a million years had I imagined leaving it behind this way.

"Edward?" I hear a soft, familiar voice question, pulling me from my thoughts.

I hesitate, before looking up. This is the last thing I need right now. I just want to get the hell out of town and leave all of this crap behind me. "Kate," I say, my voice dripping with formality as I breeze past her. As selfish as it is for me to completely dismiss her, I just want to forget about all of this. And what would one more selfish thing really do? Make me a shittier person? I doubt it.

"So, you're leaving?" It's more of a statement than a question. "You were going to leave and say nothing to me. After all that we've been through?"

I turn around to look at her. She looks exactly like I remembered-although, I don't know why I had imagined any different. With flawlessly styled long blonde hair, a tight outfit, and freshly tanned skin, she looks beautiful. But despite that, she doesn't affect me the way she once did. When I look at her now I feel… nothing. She's just terrible reminder of what I've done. I couldn't stomach the thought of being intimate with her ever again.

"Kate, we had an affair and now that chapter of our life is over. Let's be adults about this and move on."

A bitter laugh escapes her lips, but I can see the hurt swimming in her eyes. "I don't understand how you could just dismiss me like this. You told me that you loved me-"

"I _never_ told you that," I quickly cut her off.

"You _did_ … once. Maybe you hadn't meant it, but it meant something to me. Edward, we risked everything so we could be together, and now that you're free and we can finally have each other, you want nothing to do with me."

"Free," I mutter the word with a snort. If this is what 'freedom' feels like I don't fucking want it. "Kate, what we had together was a mistake. It shouldn't have ever happened. You have to move on. I'm not the man for you, Kate."

"I love you. I don't understand why you won't try."

I take a deep breath, growing frustrated with her, although, I know I shouldn't. I know I'm being a shit. We took advantage of each other, neither of us were innocent parties in this transaction, and I used her and dumped her without a second thought.

"I'm sorry, Kate," I finally say, truly meaning it. "I have a son. I have to leave."

I wait for a look of disbelief and shock to appear on her face, but it doesn't. In fact, she's composed as ever. It's like this isn't news to her at all. Maybe it's not. Taking a step forward, I ask, "Did you know about Bella's pregnancy? We you two still talking after-after everything that happened?"

Her features grow tense and she says nothing. My entire body shuts down as my mind reels with possibilities of what her silence could mean. Taking another, more agitated step toward her, I ask, "You must've talked to her after our separation. You couldn't have known otherwise…"

"I knew about it," she quietly admits, unable to meet my gaze.

"How long have you known?" I don't know why I ask. The answer is obvious. But I just want to hear her say it.

She takes a deep breath and looks me squarely in the eye as she replies, "She told me a few days before you two broke up."

I can feel my body begin to shake as it feels like my entire world is falling apart. _She knew? She fucking knew?_ There's something she's not telling me. I feel that there's something more. "What is it, Kate? Why are you looking at me like that?"

"I knew if you found out about the baby, you would leave me. I would have no chance with you," she rambles out, her blue eyes filling with tears. "I didn't want her to find out that way… but she deserved to know. She was having your baby. She was so happy when she told me about it, and I knew that she needed to know the truth."

All I can do is stare at her. I can't fucking move. I can't fucking think. I can't even speak even though I'm dying to scream at her.

"I'm sorry, Edward. But she was going to find out sooner or later."

I stare at her for a heartbeat, before finally asking, "So, you got her to come to your apartment so she could watch me fuck you?"

She cringes at the anger in my voice and takes a step away from me. "What do you want me to say?"

I shake my head in disbelief. "Kate… God, I had no idea you could stoop so fucking low."

"Really? You're going to criticize me? She was _your_ wife, _your_ family and you're going to just sit back and play the victim? You were a willing participant, Edward. Sure, I got her to drop by, but you're the one who was fucking me. She could've walked in on us having a conversation, or watching TV, but you were the one who fucked me on that couch."

"Please," I say with a bitter laugh, "you spent the hour before that happened seducing me, so you knew damned well what was going to happen." I have to go. I don't want to waste another second with Kate. "Look, I'm out of here. What we had is over. So, stop trying to contact me, stop believing that there is any chance of us having something together. There's not. There _never_ was."

"I lost my friend because of this, Edward."

"And I lost my wife and my child," I spit in return. "If you ever 'loved' me, Kate, you would leave me be," I tell her, repeating the same words Bella had told me on several occasions before I finally stopped calling her and gave her the space she needed.

Kate nods and stays silent. I get in my car without another word. I want to scream at her, asking how the fuck she could put me in that position, how the hell she could do that to Bella. However, I'm too emotionally drained to say anything. I just want to leave Chicago and put all of this behind me. This city had once held so many amazing memories for me, and now it just makes me feel sick. I'm looking forward to a new beginning in Washington. I've finished my residency and found a position near Bella's town and maybe, just maybe, I'll be able to have a relationship with my son.

I throw my car and drive and back out of my driveway, saying goodbye to Kate, my home, and this city. I can't wait to get to Washington. I can't wait to see Charlie. I know there will be plenty of battles ahead of me, but moving forward is all I can do.

 **A/N: Hey, thanks for pointing out the name mistake last chapter! I went back and fixed it! I must've been really tired when I was writing that! Thanks for reading and please review!**


	9. Chapter 9: Hopes for Atonement

" _ **This is my excavation and to**_

 _ **Day is Qumran**_

 _ **Everything that happens is from now on**_

 _ **This pouring rain**_

 _ **This is paralyzed."**_

 _ **-Bon Iver-**_

"Love conquers all." I've heard this phrase countless times, and yet, I'm not sure how truthful it actually is. Love didn't conquer my desires. Love didn't conquer my need to self destruct. Love sure as hell didn't help me stay in the relationship with a woman who was my best friend. Still, after all these months, I can't wrap my head around all that I've lost. I wonder if these wounds will ever heal, or if I'll just learn to live with them, hoping that one day they'll turn into scars-something bearable.

My trip to Washington consists of excitement and fear. I'm excited to see my son-get a chance to hold him for the very first time, but I'm terrified to see Bella again. What if I hurt her beyond repair? I wouldn't be able to live with myself. I can barely stand myself as it is, if I saw the pain she's going through, knowing that I caused it, would cause me to fall to pieces. I don't know if I can face her, but I know I can't act like the fucking coward I've been this past year of my life. I can only blame myself and look at my own actions to find where this all went wrong. I've been struggling, I've been wanting to hurt myself, but that gave me no reason to take anyone down with me. I pulled Bella into my problems without a second thought, and now we will all suffer the consequences. How I wish I could bear all of this shit alone. With a child now, Bella has too much in her life to worry about, and I'd do anything to carry the weight for her.

I pop a lithium before the plane lands, hoping that today will show something of promise. I'll spend this first week getting settled, before I start my job at a local hospital. It's a small job, but it's good for me, and it's close to Bella and our son. They're why I'm here and they're the only thing that matters. I haven't contacted Bella at all, too worried that she'd bolt or do something rash if I told her my plains. Through Emmett, I found where she's living and moved a comfortable distance away from her two bedroom apartment. I plan on visiting her as soon as I get settled. But what could I say? How could I go about it casually? If she stayed in Chicago, I could've acted as if I bumped into her out of mere coincidence. However, there's no way I could pull something like that now. I flew across the country to see her and our son, there's no pretending otherwise.

I try to imagine the expression she'll have on her beautiful face when she sees me again. It stings knowing that whatever the expression is, it won't be love. An expression I'd grown used to and took for granted over the years. Sometimes, you never notice the love sparkling in someone's eyes until it's no longer there. Then, you realize how depressing it is to meet their gaze without that love swimming in its depths. I've destroyed and disappointed her in every possible way, and I'm sure _that's_ going to be what is reflecting in her eyes. _Maybe I just won't look, although, I know I'll be too curious to avoid it._ Hell, I don't care how she looks at me, I just want her to look at me again. She could scream at me all night, and I wouldn't mind, because I just want to be around her again. I just want to hear her voice and inhale her familiar scent of freesias and vanilla.

The first night in Washington is, of course, a lonely one. I get settled into my studio apartment-which doesn't take long due to my lack of decorations and the fact that the place comes furnished-before ordering take-out. While the place is nice, it doesn't feel like a home. The only personal aspect of it, is the framed picture of Charlie I placed on the bookshelf beside my TV set. It's not even an actual photograph, but a picture I printed off Facebook onto computer paper and framed. _How pathetic is that?_ Nonetheless, it's my prized possession. Until, of course, I take a picture of him myself.

It's exhilarating, knowing he's close and I could meet him any day now. I can't wait to hold him for the first time and hear the sound of his little voice. I wonder if he's shy and bashful like his mother. I hope so. I hope he's just like Bella. Coloring and all.

As I eat my Chinese, I wonder how I should approach this situation. I don't want to just appear on her doorstep, but I can't seem to think of a better way. She's working as an editor from home-or at least that's what Emmett has told me-so, there's no way I could just run into her outside of her job. I very well can't just roam around town hoping I run into them. Whatever I do, I hope to do it with a little finesse. After everything I've done to Bella, I don't want to impose and hurt her any further, but I have to see my son. While he's only a few months old, I still feel like I've missed so much of his life already. I don't want to miss any more.

Once I reach them, I don't think Bella would keep me away from Charlie, despite how much she hates me. She's not vindictive and she wouldn't want to hurt her son by keeping me from him. She's always been selfless. Which makes what I did to her that much worse. I was a self-serving, self-destructive bastard and she was the beautiful girl who always believed in me, despite my faults. The beautiful girl who had no idea how badly I could hurt her. Hell, I had no idea either. I still can't wrap my mind around all of the things I've done. I hope see can forgive my sins enough to allow me to spend time with Charlie. I don't need her forgiveness for everything, just whatever she's willing to give. And even _that_ , feels like I'm asking far too much. I'm sure no act of atonement will ever be enough, but I can try.


	10. Chapter 10: A New Life

" _ **I keep throwing it down, two**_

 _ **Hundred at a time**_

 _ **It's hard to find it when you knew it**_

 _ **When your money's gone**_

 _ **And you're drunk as hell."**_

 _ **-Bon Iver-**_

As the leaves change I feel like I'm born again. The new scenery has worked wonders. I'm not surrounded by memories and I feel as though I can finally breathe again. Life isn't easy. Not even close. Even in Washington she haunts me. However, it's not as horrid here as it was for me in Chicago. Everywhere I looked I would see my Bella. A sight would trigger a memory and before I knew it, I would feel even more lost. I would live my entire life around avoiding things that would remind me of her. But _everything_ reminded me of her. Washington is better. Washington means new possibilities for me, where Chicago was the place that all my hopes and dreams died.

I still don't know what I'll do when I see Bella again. What could I possibly say to assuage her pain? Nothing. I know there's nothing I can say. It's going to be hard to even look at her, knowing what I did. Hell, I can barely look at my own reflection. How am I going to face her? How am I going to face my son? I want to see him more than anything, but I can't help but feel that all I'll see is guilt. When I look at his little face, I'll think about the things I did to tear our family apart. Nothing I did was worth it, but then again, I never thought it would be. I used Kate because I needed… _something._ Something I couldn't seem to find in my relationship with Bella. I don't know what I was searching for. Attention? A spark? I have no idea. All I know is I've never regretted anything more.

It's something I have to live with every day. One would think that the pain gets easier, that after a while it doesn't stab you like it once did, but it doesn't. It's a grief I can't seem to overcome. I suppose it's because I know I'm the one who's at fault. I'm the person who destroyed something that was so beautiful. I'm the monster and I'm living my own personal nightmare. How can I face Bella again when I can barely gaze at my own reflection in the mirror. All I find in the depths of my eyes is pain and exhaustion, and I'm sure Bella will find that as well. I'm exhausted of this life. In all honesty, I feel like Charlie saved me. Without him, I don't know if I'd still be here, because what would be the use of trying to put up with myself. I'd be alone in this world if it weren't for him. That's another reason why I love him so much. He saved me without knowing that he did so. I can't wait to hold him in my arms for the first time.

I wonder how he'll feel-how he'll react to me. I wonder if he'll know that I'm his father straight away. I wonder if it's one of those instinctual things. I'm sure he'll have me wrapped around his little finger from the first moment that I see him. I'd give up anything for him. Since I've arrived in Washington, I have yet to seek Bella and my son out. Fear keeps me from doing so. I have their address; Bella lives in a small flat across town. I just haven't been able to muster the courage to go. The thought of seeing Bella again is both exciting and crippling. I haven't grown used to living without her. Our divorce feels like it happened just yesterday. I haven't taken a single step in the direction of moving past it all. I've remained stagnant, allowing my guilt to keep me from accomplishing much.

The fact that work has been going well is a complete surprise. I feel like I'm walking through every day like an utter zombie. However, I can lose myself in my job. It feels good to help others. It makes me feel like I'm making up for my defects. Like if I save enough people I will no longer be this monster I feel like I've become. I don't know if it'll tip the scales though. I don't know if anything will. I destroyed the one thing that mattered to me. Bella. She had mattered to me more than anything for such a long time. For years she had been my sun, my moon, and my stars. She brightened every day and managed to make me laugh when nothing else could. And I threw that away like it was nothing. Going home to my empty apartment can be unbearable. Especially now that I'm in a new town with no friends to occupy my time. I have a few colleagues at work I like a great deal, but I can't see myself having a beer with them. It's hard to have a good time in general.

A few months after Bella left, and I was feeling particularly low in Chicago, I went out with some friends and ended up taking a woman home with me from the club we were at. I was drunk, and she reminded me of Bella. She had a sweet face and dark brown hair… I fucked her from behind so I could pretend it was my wife. I sunk to a new low. It's like I lost the real thing and I was searching for some replacement, so I could pretend for a night. After I got off, I sent the girl home. Well, scared her off would be a more accurate description. She commented on a photo of Bella and me I had framed on my bedside table, asking me if I was married or in a relationship. She was holding the picture, and something about it just set me off. My hopes of playing "make-believe" were shattered and I realized Bella was gone and I had just hooked up with some random woman. I yanked the photo out of the woman's hands and scared her off. After she left, I took a long shower, where I just sat on the shower floor and stared off into space. Thinking of Bella and everything I had fucking lost.

That night was really the last time I tried to have a "good time." I realized going out only made me feel worse. It only made me realize how incredibly lonely I was. I just wanted something… companionship… friendship… something. I just wanted to be in love again. I just wanted to see Bella. Even if she just spent hours screaming at me and calling me every terrible name imaginable. I would prefer a night like that, in her company, to anything else.

Maybe tonight I should call her. I've been in town weeks and I've been too nervous to fucking say anything. I need to see Charlie. I've already missed so much of his life already. I don't want to miss anything else. Even if I rarely see him, I'll be happy. When I'm with him and Bella, maybe I can play make-believe again. Maybe I can pretend that I have this wonderful family. Maybe I can pretend that I don't hate myself.

Pulling out my phone, I dial the one number I've been staring at for such a long time. My heart catches in my throat as I listen to it ring, waiting to hear Bella's sweet voice on the phone. Sometimes, when I'm feeling especially alone, I'll listen to old voicemails she's left me over the years. I'm so thankful that I didn't delete any of them. Hearing the sound of her sweet, musical voice always calms me down. I can't say I'm happy after listening to them, but it's nice to have something of her after all this time.

I'm so lost in thought, I barely notice when the phone has stopped ringing. I hear Bella say, "hello," and I can't seem to manage a response.


	11. Chapter 11: Hope

" _ **On your back with your racks as he stacks your load**_

 _ **In the back with the racks and he stacks your load**_

 _ **In the back with the racks and you're unstacking your load."**_

 _ **-Bon Iver-**_

"Hello?" her sweet voice questions again.

I take a deep breath, willing the words to work their way out of my mouth. I don't know why I find it so hard to talk to her. Maybe it's because it's been so incredibly long. We used to share everything with each other. We went from that, to being total strangers.

"Um… Bella. It's me-"

"Edward?" She answers for me.

"Hey," I say lamely, too enthralled by the sound of her voice.

"How… how are you?" she stutters out.

She sounds hesitant, uncomfortable, but she doesn't sound cold. In fact, her voice sounds warm, like always. I close my eyes and imagine she's here with me. I imagine that things were as they once were. God, you never know what you have until it's gone, and now that she's gone she's all I think about-all I dream about. She completely consumes me, even when she's so far away.

"I'm fine," I lie. I'm so used to lying at this point, it comes out sounding like the truth.

I've said "I'm fine" so many times now that I'm starting to _believe_ it. I say it like if I say it enough, one day it might be true. Of course, I've been feeling somewhat better. My life feels like it's more on track now that I've settled down into my new job-new home. However, I'm not sure if I'm "fine". I'm not sure if I'm even close to that.

"How are you?" I add after a long moment, realizing she's yet to say anything.

"I'm fine, too," she responds without hesitation. However, I hear the lie in _her_ voice. I've always been able to read Bella like an open book. What her pretty face doesn't give away, her voice does. "Why are you calling me, Edward?" she asks.

There's no hostility in her voice. Her question sounds genuinely curious. She must know that I want to see my son. She must've known this time would come eventually. She couldn't keep him from me forever. Not that she would, of course, even though she hates me, I know she's not that vindictive. She could never stay mad at me for long. I guess I got used to that. I suppose I thought she would forgive me for my affair, because even when I was sleeping with Kate, I never imagined a life without Bella in it. _I'm such a fucking asshole._ She had faith in me and I fucking ruined her.

"I found work in town," I begin awkwardly, wondering what her response will be to that statement. "I was wondering… well, I was wondering if I could see Charlie? I really want to meet him, Bella."

She pauses for a moment, before she finally asks, "You moved to Washington?"

"Yes," I reply uncomfortably.

"I'm not sure if I'm ready to see you," she mumbles out, almost apologetically. "But, I care more about Charlie than I care about my own discomfort."

This is far better than the response I was expecting from her. I hadn't expected her to want to see me, and honestly, part of me thought that she'd say that she needed more time. I would've given it to her, too. Despite how terribly I want to see Charlie, I would've given it to her. Hell, I _have_ been giving it to her. I've been giving her ample time because I know I'm the last face she'd ever want to see. Although, now I'm wondering if I was _truly_ being selfless. Maybe, I really kept my distance because I was being cowardly. Maybe I was afraid to face her, the woman I love more than anything, after all the horrible things I did to her. How can you look someone in the eye after you did everything to destroy them? Maybe I just couldn't stomach it.

"So…" I stumble awkwardly, feeling so incredibly vulnerable as I talk to her, "When can I see him?"

"When do you have time to?" she asks quietly. "I'm sure you're the one with the busy schedule. I work from home so I can take care of the baby."

I frown. I can't believe she's taken care of our son all by herself. I can't believe how much of his life I've missed already. Because of my meaningless affair, I missed out on his birth, his first word, and many other things I'm sure. It breaks my fucking heart. Of course, I deserve it. I know I do. I made my bed, and now I have to lie in it.

"Well," I begin, thinking of my schedule. "I'm off work this Saturday… would that work for you?"

She's quiet for a long moment, and I wonder if she's rethinking seeing me so soon. Relief washes over me in waves when she finally says, "Saturday is fine, Edward."

The way she says my name makes me cringe. There's no warmth in her voice. When she used to call me by my name, her voice would be filled with such love, and now, it's filled with nothing. It's like she's talking to a complete stranger, and not a man who had been her best friend for so many years.

"Thank you, Bella," I manage to get out.

"So, does Saturday at noon work for you?"

 _Saturday at noon._ I can't believe how soon that is-only two days away. I'll see my son in two days. I'll finally get to meet him. Tears well in my eyes but I manage to keep them at bay. Bella doesn't need to hear me cry over the phone. I'll wait until our conversation is over. It's just that I've never looked forward to something so much in my entire life. I'll finally get to meet the son I already love so much.

"That's perfect. Thank you, Bella." I can't stop saying her name.

"You're welcome." She sounds uncomfortable, but I'm too happy to pay it any mind.

I'll be meeting Charlie in two days and my entire life will become significantly better. I'm sure he'll be a ray of fucking sunshine, lighting up the darkness I've been allowing myself to live in since Bella left. Perhaps this will be a new beginning-a second chance. Or perhaps I'm just being far too hopeful.

 **A/N: Next chapter will be what I'm sure you guys have been waiting for. Bella and Edward will finally get to meet for the first time since their divorce. Seriously, thanks to anyone that's reading this! Your reviews mean so much to me. Hope to update soon! Until next time…**


	12. Chapter 12: Meeting Charlie

" _ **I've been twisting to the sun**_

 _ **I needed to replace**_

 _ **And the fountain in the front yard is rusted out**_

 _ **All my love was down**_

 _ **In a frozen ground."**_

 _ **-Bon Iver-**_

Jittery fingers trail through my hair, trying desperately to tame it. My heart is racing in my chest and I can't seem to calm it down, no matter how hard I try. _I'm going to meet my son today. Finally, I'm going to see Charlie._ My jaw grows tense and tears prick my eyes as I stare at my reflection in the mirror. The bastard is smiling at me-looking happy for once in his pathetic life. When was the last time I was happy? _Truly_ happy? God, I can't even remember.

I catch a tear before it has the chance to trail down my cheek. _Today, I will hold my son for the very first time._ God, I love him so fucking much already. He's my entire world, and we've never met. I hope he's just as beautiful as his mother is. I hope he has her kind eyes and wonderful temperament. He's probably all that I'll ever have left of her-of our relationship. I can't believe that after everything I've done, Bella has given me this incredible gift. I know I don't deserve it.

I run my hands over the non-existent wrinkles in my button up shirt, before taking one hard look in the mirror. I don't like what I see, but then again, I'm not sure I ever will. I can't look at myself without seeing a _monster_. I hurt the one person I loved more than anything, and now I can barely meet my own gaze. I wonder if Bella will find looking at me just as difficult. That is, if she can look at me at all. God, I wish I could turn back time. I would change everything. I can't go a moment without meditating on what I once had. Bella haunts me everyday. And today, I'll finally see her again. A moment which I've been waiting for, for so long.

I let out a shaky exhale and turn away from the mirror. _You can do this, Edward. Go and see your son. Be happy for once._ I pull out my phone and stare at Bella's new address. She's only twenty minutes away from my house. _So close, yet so far away._ I dart out of my apartment, eager to get to her home early. I want her to know how serious I am about being a father. I want her to know that I'd do anything to be in Charlie's life. I've taken so much for granted in the past, but I'll never take my son for granted. He'll be the one redeeming thing in my life. I'll pour all of my love into Charlie. I may have fucked up as a husband, but I won't fuck up as a father.

The drive is silent. I'm far too wound up to listen to music. The only sounds I hear come from my GPS and the traffic around me on the highway. I drum on my steering wheel to an unknown beat while I try to come up with something to say to Bella. If I wouldn't look like a complete ass for doing it, I'd throw myself at her feet and beg for her forgiveness. I'd let her hit me, scream at me, and do whatever she wanted, because I'd just be happy that she was talking to me at all. She could hate me for all I care, I just want to be near her. I just want to see her beautiful face and hear her sweet voice again.

Bella lives in a nice apartment complex on the edge of town. As drive past the gates, I find a small playground and tennis court. There are kids everywhere playing with their parents. I smile. It's perfect for my son. While these children are older than Charlie, I hope that one day, they could become his friends. I hope Charlie grows up having tons of kids to play with-I hope he grows up to be _happy_.

I park outside of Bella's building and take a deep breath. _This is finally happening. I can't believe it._ This all feels so surreal. It feels like a dream I could wake up from any second. Bella and Charlie have become a staple in my dreams. Even before Charlie was born, even before I knew his name, I dreamt of him. I would dream of raising a child with Bella-something I knew would never happen. I would imagine us playing with our baby, blissfully happy. I would dream of what my life would have been life if I hadn't made so many monumental mistakes. I would wake up every night in a cold sweat with tears in my eyes, because I knew my dreams were only that, _dreams._ But now, I finally have a chance. My family might not be perfect, but it's something. It's _real_.

I slide out of my car and grab my Winnie-the-Pooh stuffed animal from the back seat. I didn't want to come empty handed today, although, I didn't want to buy my son's affection either. I'm sure Bella has given him plenty of toys, while I've given him none. I want him to have something from me. _Something from his daddy._ I want him to know just how much I love him.

Feeling nervous, I trudge up to the door of Bella's apartment. My hands shake and it takes a moment for me to gain control over myself and knock. As soon as I do, I can barely breathe. I've never felt so anxious in my life. But then again, never has a day seemed so important. The door swings open and every muscle in my body tenses at the same time as if waiting for impact. Before me is the most gorgeous sight I have ever seen. _Bella._ Now that she's standing before me again, it feels like we were never apart. In a blue cotton dress, a white sweater, and her old white converse, she looks absolutely stunning. _I can't believe I let this woman go._

She stares at me, and I suddenly realize that I'm just standing in her doorway, stupidly gawking at her. But I can't help it. We've been apart for so long, and I've never gotten over her. Even when I believed that it would be easier to no longer love her, I never could. I'll love her until I'm dead in the ground, I'm sure. However, I know she feels nothing towards me. If she feels anything, I'm certain it's hate and disgust. When I finally look at her beautiful, brown eyes that I've missed so much, I find that she's not looking at me. Not _really._ She's not looking at my eyes. It's like she's seeing straight through me. Shock trickles down my spine as her eyes gut me. She's so disgusted by me, that she can't even look at me. _Fuck._

"Hello, Edward."

Her voice is so formal, so unlike the voice of my wife. _Well, she's not your wife anymore, Edward._

"Bella," I greet, trying desperately to keep my voice neutral. "Thanks for letting me come."

"I wanted Charlie to meet you," she responds, still not really looking at me.

She steps aside and invites me in. Her apartment is pristine, yet, so homey at the same time. It's feminine, with baby toys scattered haphazardly around the living room floor-the one room in the apartment that doesn't look absolutely perfect. Bella leads me to the family room where I find a tiny baby in a baby gym in front of the TV. My breath catches in my throat and I stop in my tracks. Tears prick my eyes as I look at the back of his little, fuzzy head. _Holy, fuck. That's my son. My little boy…_

"He's been excited to meet you."

He's bouncing in his baby gym, watching cartoons and laughing loudly. I can't stop staring at him. All I can see is the back of his head, and yet, he's the most beautiful thing I've ever seen. He's so perfect… and so much smaller than I expected. I can't believe he's truly mine.

"Edward?" I hear Bella ask, causing me to realize that I haven't moved an inch.

When I don't respond, she reaches out and her fingers graze the back of my hand, sending a chill up my spine. Her touch still affects me the way it always has, and while it feels incredible, it breaks my heart, too. My emotions are overwhelming. I'm feeling so many things at once. Love, excitement, passion, pride, fear, contentment, _guilt_. Tears trail down my cheeks before I can stop them.

I feel Bella pull away, and watch her as she walks across the room to gently grab our son out of his baby gym. When she turns around with him in her arms, I finally see his face in real life, for the very first time. The pictures didn't do my son justice. Seeing him like this takes my breath away. He looks just like Bella. So much like her that it almost hurts to look at him. _God, I love this little boy so fucking much._ I'll give him all my love and then some. I'll give him the world, because in the few seconds that I've known him he's become _my_ world, _my_ everything.

"Daddy, this is Charlie. Charlie, this is your daddy."


	13. Chapter 13: Unconditional Love

" _ **There's a black crow sitting across from me**_

 _ **His wiry legs are crossed**_

 _ **He's dangling my keys, he even fakes a toss**_

 _ **Whatever could it be**_

 _ **That has brought me to this loss?"**_

 _ **-Bon Iver-**_

I never, ever want to let him go. He's perfect. Absolutely _perfect_. As soon as his guileless eyes meet mine, I'm captivated, and in that moment I know I love this little boy with every fiber of my being. My love for him is unconditional-nothing he could ever do would change the way I feel about him. I'll _always_ remember him as he is now.

Charlie reaches out and grabs ahold of one of my fingers, hugging it in his little fist. He smiles at me, and as he smiles, I wonder if he knows who I am. If deep down in his subconscious, he knows that I'm his father. I know that's probably ludacris, but I hope for it all the same. I want him to know _me_. I know I won't be able to be around like his mother will be, but I want him to know me just as well as he knows her. I want us to be just as close.

Finally, I look away from him and my eyes find Bella's. She's not looking at me, but I can see that her eyes are filled with unshed tears as she looks at her- _our_ -son. The love floating in her glossy eyes is breathtaking. She loves this little boy more than anything. She loves him enough to forget about her own discomfort when it comes to seeing me. _Thank God for that._ I don't know how I'd be fairing if I couldn't see him. _Hell, I know how I'd be fairing. I'd be a mess-just as lost as I was before I came here._

I'm still lost. Being a father is a whole new adventure. And being a father without my wife… well, that's even more difficult and unpredictable. I don't expect her to take me back, but I'd like to think that one day she'd be able to look at me again. It's so disturbing to watch her eyes stare straight through me. I have to look away from her. My eyes return to Charlie, who's still smiling in my arms.

"Hello," I whisper to him, finally finding my voice. "I'm so happy to meet you, Charlie."

He giggles and fusses in my arms a bit before I adapt and adjust him. He settles down and gives me a small, toothless grin. _He's such a happy baby. It's probably because he has such a wonderful mother._ I want to glance up at Bella, but I stop myself.

"Do you know who I am?" He cocks his head to the side and puts rubs his face with his little hand. "I'm your dad, Charlie." _I love saying his name._

He smiles at this and yawns. Bending down, I kiss his forehead. His fuzzy hair tickles my nose.

"He's perfect," I muse.

"Thank you."

When I look up at Bella, she's softly smiling at her little boy. _Our little boy._ God, I can't believe I'm a father. It finally feels _real_ now that I'm holding him in my arms. As I watch him, I wonder how I'm going to make it through a day without this. How am I going to return to my dreary apartment and deal with the silence? Especially when I know Bella and my son are probably enjoying themselves a mere twenty minutes away. _This is what you deserve._

While I deserve the pain-I know I do-it's still hard to stomach. I'm experiencing the loss of my wife and son all over again in a way. Everyday I'm without this will be a cruel reminder of all that I loss. All that I'll have to learn to live without. The regret I feel is debilitating, and the remorse is even worse. Without saying a word, I take Charlie over and sit with him on one of the couches in the living room before I fall to my knees.

"You're good with him, Edward," Bella says quietly as she sits down across from us on a leather chair.

"Well, he's just a great baby. He's so calm." I smile at his sleepy face. "You've done a wonderful job with him, sweet-" I catch myself. " _Bella_."

I look up at her to gauge her reaction to find that she has none. Her beautiful face is utterly blank, and she's still not looking at me. God, I feel like Bruce Willis on _The Sixth Sense_ -Charlie sees me while his mother doesn't. I'm a ghost to her. _Man, do I feel like a ghost, though. A shell of my old self._ Even on my "good days", I'm nothing like the man I once was. I go through the motions, but am I ever truly living? Have I been living since Bella left? _No._ I don't even have to take a moment to contemplate that answer. I _haven't_ been really living. I've just been getting by.

But now I have a reason to live as I once did. I have Charlie. I want to be my old, funny-loving, and happy self for him. I want to be the best father I possibly can for him. The father he deserves.

"I don't know," Bella answers as she stares down at her hands folded in her lap. "He's always been great. Ever since he was born."

"What was he like? I mean, when he was first born. What was that first day like?"

A small, almost melancholy smile touches Bella's full lips. "It was a hectic day. I was so afraid, I didn't know what to expect. Alice was with me, and she talked me through the whole thing, and held my hand. When I held him for the very first time… well, I couldn't believe how _little_ he was. After he I nursed him for the very first time, he opened his eyes and gave me a soft smile before falling asleep."

Bella pauses to wipe away a tear, and giggles at herself. It's nice to see her so happy. I smile, too.

"He captured my heart in that moment. After that, I knew he had me wrapped around his little finger. I mean, he's everything to me. He's my entire life and I'm so, so lucky to have him. It's like Charlie's the center of my universe."

She trails off and smiles at the sleeping boy in my arms. Still, she won't look at me. God, I wish she would. I'd give anything to watch her expressive eyes light up as she recounts stories about Charlie, telling me about all the moments that I've missed.

"He has captured my heart, too."

"I'm glad. I want him to have a father, Edward. He deserves it."

Her tone is almost accusing. As if she's waiting for me to mess this up and is already planning on what she's going to do if she has to pick up all of the pieces. I'm angry for a moment, astonished that she would even think that, but then I realize how fucking stupid I'm being. Of course she would worry about that. I promised her the world when I married her, and then broke every single vow I made. Of course she's going to have some trust issues. But this is different. I've learned from the mistakes that torment me everyday. I'm not going to _allow_ myself to ruin things with my son. He's my world, too, and I'll prove it to her.

"I'll be the father he deserves, Bella. I promise you. I love him, too."

She nods. _God, Bella. Please, please just look at me!_

"Bella, I regret so much-"

"Don't," she quickly cuts me off, holding up a hand. "Please, Edward. Just don't." Her voice is a whisper. "I'm doing this for our son. But understand that I just _can't_ talk about what happened. I just want to forget, Edward. Please don't bring it up."

Seeing her like this, looking so small as she sits across from me, breaks my fucking heart. I want to beat the shit out of the person who hurt her this way-but then I'm faced with that fact that the person is _me. I_ did this to her. I hurt the woman I love.

"Can we just focus on Charlie? I just want my son to be happy."

"Of course," I answer, my voice is gruff and thick with emotion. I want to throw myself at her feet and tell her everything on my heart, but I refrain. I'm not going to allow myself to hurt her anymore. I can't bear the thought of doing anymore damage.


	14. Chapter 14: Flashbacks

" _ **On your back with your racks as he stacks your load**_

 _ **In the back with the racks and he stacks your load**_

 _ **In the back with the racks and you're unstacking your load."**_

 _ **-Bon Iver-**_

"Sorry I'm so late. I thought I'd get out of there sooner."

Bella, like always, avoids my gaze and steps back to let me into her apartment. I pass her by, wanting more than anything to stop and talk to her. However, I know she won't appreciate my efforts. She's showing me a great kindness by letting me come here at all because God knows Bella doesn't want to see my face. She's doing it for her son- _our_ son.

"I was going to work on some editing… are you all right with Charlie by yourself?"

I nod, looking toward the living room and finding Charlie playing in his baby gym. "I'll be fine, Bella."

She nods quickly in return and leads me to the living room. Kneeling down on the floor, she gives our son a quick kiss on the cheek.

"Dad's here to play with you, baby. Mommy's just going to be in the other room working."

He giggles at her in response and Bella kisses his cheek once more before rising to her feet. "I'll be in my room… just call me if you need anything. I just nursed and changed him, so he should be fine."

With that, she gives her son one last look before walking out of the room. My eyes follow her for a moment, before they pull away to look at my son. Whenever I see him, it's as if all my stressors from the day dissipate completely. This is our fifth meeting, and I'm hoping for so many more. Five times in four weeks is nowhere near enough. But with my work schedule, I can't manage much more than that right now.

Picking him up, I hold him close to my chest as I sit down with him on the couch. He looks at me with wide, wondrous eyes and grabs ahold of one of my fingers, yanking it to his mouth with a smile. When he looks at me, he reminds me so much of Bella it almost hurts. His big, guileless brown eyes transport me to a different time. A time where I was so fucking happy. A time I wish I could go back to.

" _Edward… it's magnificent. How did you find this place?"_

" _I found it on a hike," I respond as I watch her eyes widen as she takes in the scenery in awe._

 _I smile, I love seeing her this way-so incredibly content. Her head falls back and her soulful brown eyes close as she inhales the crisp autumn air. When I found this meadow by accident a few days ago, I immediately thought of her-my Bella. She's never been one for a long hike-far too clumsy to enjoy it-but she has always admired the beauty of the great outdoors. While she admires the beauty of the meadow, I admire her. When she opens her eyes, she turns her face to smile at me._

" _There's a cottage nearby… maybe one day it'll be ours," I tell her as I point off in the its direction._

 _She grins at this and peers off toward the cottage, although it's not visible from here. "You mean when we're old and gray we can live there together?"_

 _She crosses the meadow and takes ahold of my hand. I pull her against my body and kiss her forehead, inhaling the sweet smell of her perfume as I close my eyes. "Yes, when we're old and gray… do you think you'll still feel the same way for me then, as you do now?"_

 _I hear a soft giggle escape her lips and I open my eyes. "Of course I will, Edward. I don't think I could ever stop loving you."_

" _We'll see," I tease her as I gently grab her chin and tip her head up so I can cover her lips with mine._

 _We spend the day in the meadow. We lay on the blanket I brought and eat the food that she made. We talk and talk, and never grow tired of one another. One day soon, I'll propose to her. She's what I want-I'm sure of it. I'm so tired of dragging my feet about this. I don't know why I'm so nervous. I've been carrying this ring around in my pocket for so long, waiting for the right moment._

" _Maybe one day we can go look at that cottage," Bella suggests as she lays her head on my chest._

" _Whenever you want," I promise._

 _She's quiet for a moment, before she says, "Could you imagine our grandchildren running around out here?" I look down and catch her blush, before she quickly says, "Well, that is, if you want children…"_

 _I chuckle at her. She knows I love her, and still she seems insecure about our relationship at times. I want a whole life with her-I want everything. But still, she doubts me. I suppose I can't blame her; I'm sure once I propose, she'll know just how serious I am about her-about us._

" _I do want children. Of course, I do."_

" _How many?" she asks casually as she stares up at me with her big, brown eyes._

" _I don't know… maybe three or four. How many were you thinking?"_

" _Three or four," she says with a bashful smile._

 _God, she looks so divine. I trace her bottom lip with my thumb before cupping her cheek in my hand. "I love you, baby."_

" _I love you, too. Always."_

The memory fades, bringing tears to my eyes, as I'm brought back to reality. Charlie's big, brown eyes-which are just like his mother's-stare up at me in wonder. I trace his bottom lip and he grins at me. I memorize his face, wanting to keep it fresh in my mind until the next time I get to visit him.

Cupping his soft cheek, looking into his curious brown eyes, I tell him, "I love you, Charlie. _Always_."


	15. Chapter 15: Hurt

" _ **This is not the sound of a new man**_

 _ **Or a crispy realization**_

 _ **It's the sound of me unlocking and you lift away**_

 _ **Your love will be**_

 _ **Safe with me."**_

 _ **-Bon Iver-**_

 _Coffee. I need coffee._ I rub my tired eyes and sigh, wanting nothing more than to do home and sleep for days. I've been at the hospital for thirty-six hours now and nothing has gone right. I grab a cup of coffee that's been sitting in the pot for God knows how long before collapsing into a chair. Closing my eyes for a moment, I wonder what Charlie is up to. I _always_ wonder what he is up to.

I still have to wait two more days before I see him again, and I don't know if I can stomach the time. I want to see him as soon as I get off work today. I'm sure his bright, smiling face will erase all the crippling emotions I felt today. Tears prick my eyes and I quickly wipe them away before they can trail down my cheeks. Now that adrenaline is no longer coursing through my veins-all of my emotions suffocate me. I watched someone die today. I couldn't save them. That girl's face as she slipped away is burnt forever in my mind.

Pulling out my phone, I try to replace that image with another. As soon as I see my son's smiling face as the background of my phone, I relax. Perhaps it's selfish of me to use him this way, but I need to see him. I can't stomach being all alone tonight. Hell, I can barely fucking deal with it when I have a "good" day. The thought of going home to my empty apartment-knowing that my Bella and our son are happily living their separate lives without me-is so incredibly crippling. I deserve it-I know I deserve it-but it doesn't soften the blow… doesn't ease the pain. I wish I could just go numb. I used to welcome the pain because it was nice to feel _something_ - _anything_ to know my relationship with Bella was real. But now, I don't want to feel a thing. I don't want to think about the girl I watched slip away, I don't want to think of the people I've let down, I don't want to think of my son growing up in a broken home. I bury my head in my hands, staring at the image of my son's photo on my phone's background before it goes black.

I'm going to call Bella-I have to. She'll understand. She's always been so kind, so compassionate… too fucking good for me. I thought I was good for her. I truly did. I thought I could have been the right man for her, but I was wrong. So incredibly wrong. She deserved so much better than what I could offer her. I dial her number and with a shaky hand, I raise the phone to my ear, my heart racing in my chest as I listen to it ring. _What if she says no?_ I close my eyes as I wait for her answer, thinking of her.

" _Bella, thank God you picked up. Where are you, baby? I thought you wanted me to meet you in the cafeteria?"_

" _Sorry, my lecture ran late. I'll be there in a second. Love you!"_

" _Love you, too," I tell her with a smile, unable to contain my excitement for what I have planned for her._

 _My girl has just taken her very last final of the semester. I want to make this day special for her. She's been staying up every night cramming for finals, never believing that the work she has done is near good enough. Truly, she works so much harder than anyone I have ever seen. And she's always so hard on herself, too. If only she knew how smart she is… how absolutely incredible she is._

 _I tried to calm her nerves last night. I all but forced her to stop her studying and take a nice, relaxing bath. I got all that girly shit for her-filling the tub with bath salts, bubbles, and lavender oil, while placing candles around the tub. I even played her favorite music and dimmed the lights just right. I picked her up and carried her away from her desk and her eyes filled with tears as she took in the sight of what I had done for her. She thinks that I give her too much, but she doesn't understand how much she gives me. Seeing her bright, content face makes everything I do worth it. I just want to see her happy. I just want to make every single day special for her. Her eyes teared up as I placed her into the bath and her beautiful face was bright with a serene smile as I washed her hair and body. I insisted that she relaxed and enjoy the bath after I was finished, but she insisted that I join her in the tub. I did. I made love to her in the bath water until it was cold, then I spent the rest of the night making love to her in our bed-studying forgotten._

 _Just thinking about last night puts a grin on my face. We've only been living together in that apartment for four months, but we have already had sex on every inch of it. Bella wanted to "christen" the place. Now, everywhere I look in my apartment, I see Bella and me making love. I'm going to have a hard time saying goodbye to our place when we eventually decide to buy a house._

 _I pull up in front of her lecture hall, effectively cutting Bella off before she can cross the street. Her eyes widen in surprise and then she grins at me. Stepping forward, she opens the passenger door and slides inside. I give her a nice, long kiss, until the car behind me honks his horn at us._

" _I thought you just wanted to meet me in the cafeteria?" she questions as she reaches forward to adjust the radio._

" _Well, I thought we could go someplace nice for lunch. We are celebrating, after all."_

" _Celebrating?"_

" _You just took your last final. You're done, kid," I tease her. "Now I can have you all to myself."_

 _She leans back against the passenger seat and grins. She looks so tranquil-so free. I love seeing her this way. She looks so angelic. I can't help but glance at her over and over again as I drive, because I just can't believe this girl is mine._

"Edward?"

Bella's voice brings me back to reality. I shake the memory from my head, wondering what triggered it. I'm used to thinking of her all of the time, but lately, I've been having such vivid memories of us play in my head; it's like I'm watching reels from a movie-a movie of our life together. I feel like I'm standing next to my old self, watching myself as I experience such great happiness, before experiencing such crippling pain. Through my memories, I watch myself fall in love, live in love, and throw that love away. I'm happy to remember, but it's so bittersweet. My memories are all I will ever have. _That's not true, Edward. You have a future. You have your son._

"Edward?" she questions again. I hear Charlie's cry in the background, and I know she's growing impatient with me.

"I'm sorry for calling," I say quietly, barely recognizing my own voice. "I just needed-" I take a deep breath, wondering if I'm about to fall apart. It's been such an emotional fucking day, and I'm so tired. Not just because I haven't slept. "I just was wondering if I could see Charlie tonight?"

"You're going to come over on the weekend…"

I know she doesn't want to see me. Fuck, _I_ don't even want to fucking see me.

"Please." I can't help but beg her.

She pauses for a moment, and I can imagine her biting her lip like she always does when she's debating something.

"Bella, today has been so bad… so bad. I just don't want to be alone tonight."

I expect her to tell me to go fuck myself. I know how pathetic I sound. I'm the man who cheated on her with her best friend. Why should she care about what I'm going through? I've sure as hell put her through enough. I should probably hang up the phone, I know I should. I shouldn't be bothering her like this. I'm lucky enough she's letting me see my son in the first place. That's already far more than I deserve. Despite my self-loathing, I can't bring myself to hang up the phone. I just want to see Charlie. I just miss him so much.

"Okay," she answers softly. For a moment, I wonder if I've merely hallucinated what I've wanted to hear. "I have some work I have to get done anyway. When were you thinking about dropping by?"

"I'm going to leave work soon."

"That's fine," she replies after a heartbeat.

"Thank you. You don't know how much I appreciate this." _I love you._

"It's fine. See you soon, I guess."

"I'll see you in a bit. Thank you."

I'm so formal, but I know I can't tell her what's really on my heart. We're co-parenting-or, at least, trying our _best_ to co-parent considering our circumstances-and I don't want to let my feelings for her jeopardize that. Maybe if I'm lucky, _really lucky_ , she'll want to be my friend someday. She was my best friend for such a long time-the person I told everything to; the person who knew me better than anyone-and I can barely understand how I got through those months without her in my life. Now that she's within my reach, I'm going to show her just how much I've changed. I want her to know that I can be a better man-for her, for our son.


End file.
